day 14: patience and kindness with self

mission:

• don’t bang self upside the head / have a fit

i’ve been generally stressed out the last couple weeks.  my stomach has been knotted to the point that it begins to burn and i’ve found myself unconsciously clenching my jaw.  all kinds of things have been going on.  good and bad.  even the good things have stressed me out in the work and time they’ve required from me seemingly all at once.  it’s gotten better over the last few days, but yesterday started off with a difficult morning emotionally and then a last minute photo mission later in the day.

my good friend chris samala got me some space at hotel des arts for the START SOMA new art 08 exhibit.  never having framed artwork before, i was a bit struck by how much it was all going to cost me.  i silently decided i wasn’t going to do it anymore, figuring that my spot would be given away since i missed my deadline i gave of last week.  yesterday i found out that samala had specifically reserved space for me.  since she came through like that, i felt compelled to make it happen.

so i ran to get a bunch of photos enlarged at costco (i had no idea what i was going to show), messed around with some layouts given my wall space, and then went to cheap pete’s to try to get some framing and matting done.  i spent a good hour there with the salesperson deciding which frames and photo orientation to go with.  once i told him i was ready to get everything (which was by NO means cheap), he tells me that my order wouldn’t be ready til friday.  ?!?!??!?!?!?! [internal freak out]  i needed to turn in stuff yesterday per what i told samala and really at worst case on tues/early weds.

i panicked a little, especially as i really didn’t know what to do in case i ended up not finding ANY framing.  but somehow still kept at ease, having faith that somehow i was going to make this work.  i came home and came up with some backup layouts, researched a couple more frame places, and made my artist information sheet.  acting “as if” everything was going to pan out alright.  called in sick today – feeling somewhat nauseous and gross in general.  today’s the day, let’s see what happens.

i spent an hour or so on the phone updating with a good friend of mine.  i really called to check in on her, but ended up spending a good deal of time talking about how i was feeling.  so i appreciate that.  and apologies for not being in the right state to give you better attention.  most of the conversation from my end was sullen.  i sort of wanted to disappear (not like that) – but run away.  we ended on a more productive note but i was still drained.  i decided not to run away and simply keep on keepin on…

what else can i do?

no use in beating myself up.  i figure if you visualize something and believe in it enough, it will manifest in some form.  i eff up all the time but balling up into a ball of negative energy is no good.  impatience will only incapacitate you, warp your perspective, and make you generally unattractive.

i’m getting ready for bed and realize my phone’s ringer or vibrator isn’t working anymore – just at that moment.  my friend ibrahim is supposed to show up any minute from sfo (via nyc) to crash in my living room.  my apartment door buzzer also happens to not be working for the past couple weeks.  i figure i’ll get up in 5 minutes to check my phone; i won’t pass out in 5 minutes, right?  wrong.  i wake up at 7.30am to tons of missed calls and texts.

i left my poor friend ibrahim stranded outside my apartment all night.  he had to walk all around SF to find a hotel (most were full) to sleep for a mere 3 hours.  yeah, not very awesome of me.  at all.

i feel terrible.  ibrahim keeps saying maybe there was something meant in it – why that happened.  i’m not sure we both know why as of yet.  but i was impressed in turn with his patience and composure and not wanting to tear my head off.  so thank you, ibrahim, for exemplifying patience, humility, and forgiveness.

it’s odd.  because even before this happened i was going to write about how i was trying to be patient with myself.  really though, my practice of patience was lightweight.  yesterday’s deed really goes to ibrahim.

thank you for tolerating my whackness, ibrahim.  and i’m sorry.